Bleach Drabbles
by gloaming grove
Summary: Chapter 3 up: Bored. The war is over and Kenpachi is bored, so he tries to pick fights with all and sundry. Someone unexpected answers his challenge.
1. 1 Inoue Ulquiorra Tousen No Good Deed

Just a short drabble, not sure how to classify it. I'm sure something like this must exist somewhere out there, but the idea popped into my head while I watched my friend put ketchup on everything she ate.

I don't own Bleach.

*****

Aizen looked up from a report as Ulquiorra entered his study.

"This matter concerns me. It's quite sensitive so I'll have Tousen deal with it directly. Send him to me."

"I'm afraid that won't be possible, Aizen-sama."

"Why not?"

"He is in the medical bay."

"Was there a fight I was not informed of?"

"Not exactly."

Aizen took a deep breath. "Well, what happened then?"

"Yammy was tormenting the human woman and Tousen intervened. In thanks, she made him lunch."

"That doesn't explain why he is in the medical bay."

"With respect, Aizen-sama, it does."


	2. 2 Unohana Mayuri Scientific Healing

Set at some point in the past fifty years, before Kurotsuchi-taicho perfects his turn-into-a-pile-of-goo technique.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach. If I did, we would have seen Unohana fight already.

* * *

" I hope you are doing well today, Kurotsuchi-taicho? I have already overseen the healing of the surviving members of your expedition, so you will have my undivided attention for as long as it takes to reform your body."

"I must apologize, the serum your daughter brought to us doesn't seem to be in the storeroom. I have no idea what any of my subordinates would want with such a thing. Rest assured that they have been given strict instructions to find it, and that I will be doing my utmost to restore you in the meantime."

"It is quite unfortunate that Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho is unable to make a replacement serum for you. I requested her help but she informed me that you considered her far too stupid to understand such a complex formula. Oh, you will be happy to know that she has recovered quite well from her tumble down the stairs last month, and her collision with a doorway earlier this week. She is handling your division with competence and none of the clumsiness that has been plaguing her recently."

"I hope you will forgive our slow progress. We have done everything in our power to be both thorough and scientific in the application of cures. I'm going to have to move you into the receptacle again now. I do apologize that it smells like onions; my subordinates were working on a remedy and we just can't seem to divest the jar of the smell."

"That makes me wonder, Kurotsuchi-taicho, do you have olfactory cells in that form? And what about pain receptors? I'm sure a scientist such as yourself would not neglect to take that into account. Perhaps it would be prudent to look into vocalization and speech first though. You may also wish to enable movement."

"Are you ready? Since our first attempts were unsuccessful, I feel that it would be prudent, in the name of scientific method, to up the voltage before moving on to chemical compounds. This electricity that you made available to us is such an interesting tool. If human literature is to be believed, it is effective in treating a number of afflictions, and we have great hopes for it in this situation."

"The equipment is prepared. I hope you are ready, Kurotsuchi-taicho."

"How vexing. I had hoped for more impressive results than onion-flavored smoke."

"If you will be patient for just a while longer, I will record my findings and we can continue with the experimentation. Excuse me."

Unohana moved gracefully to her desk and removed her quill from its place in her drawer beside a vial of murky purple fluid. She dipped it in ink and continued the report:

_Day three of electro-therapy appears to be unsuccessful. The subject smoldered somewhat and emitted smoke. A new method, chemical compound application, will be applied immediately; starting with hydrogen, and if that is unsuccessful, followed by lithium._

"Well, Kurotsuchi-taicho, shall we continue?"

* * *

**A/N:**

Please let me know what you think of the dialogue-based method. Was anything unclear?

In case you weren't paying attention in physics: hydrogen explodes when ignited, producing water, and lithium combusts in the presence of water and water-containing compounds. Somehow I doubt that Unohana is unaware of this... what do you think?


	3. 3 Kenpachi Unohana Bored

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach. I make no money from this.

* * *

"Ken-chan! Braid Lady is here to see you!"

"Well, what ya waitin for? Send er in."

Retsu entered the office and took a seat in front of Zaraki's desk.

"Zaraki-taicho. It has come to my attention that you have had less than complimentary things to say about my subordinates."

"I called 'em a bunch of lilly-assed pansies who couldn't fight to save their lives, if thas what ya mean."

"We are primarily healers, and I consider it only prudent that my unseated squad members retreat when challenged by a captain."

That, in his opinion, didn't change anything. "Ya got a point?"

"If you are seeking an even fight, it would make more sense to challenge a higher ranking member."

He processed this. "Ya want me te fight ya? I won't go easy on ya."

"I wouldn't expect you to, Zaraki-taicho." she replied, rising from her chair. "Shall we find a more suitable location?"

Suddenly excited, Zaraki stood up, grinning, and said, "Let's go."

He followed her to an empty valley outside Rukongai, Yachiru clinging to his shoulder and chattering excitedly the whole way. He deposited her on a large boulder to watch, and prepared to fight.

"The old man'll gripe if ya can't run yer division, so I won't hurt ya too badly."

"I know," she replied serenely.

"To make it fair, I'll give ya the first shot."

"Very well." She drew her sword and flash-stepped toward him.

Zaraki grinned as his eye-patch tumbled to the floor. "I think I'm starting ta like ya."

"I'm pleased to hear it, Zaraki-taicho. Let us begin."

~ ~ * ~ ~

_Sometime later_

Isane leaned back in her chair, exhausted. It had been a tough hour, bringing her patient back from the brink of death. She got up wearily and went out the door to where the person responsible for her hard work waited. "Was that really necessary?"

"I won't back down from a challenge."

Isane voiced something that had been bothering her for a while, "Where did the bells go?"

"They gave an unnecessary advantage, so I took them off."

There was something about this encounter that Isane couldn't quite put her finger on. Like why it had happened at all. She took the opportunity to ask one last question. "You know you'll never get any peace now?"

Retsu gave a smile that told Isane all she needed to know. "I know."

* * *

**A/N:** If you think this is unrealistic, go have a look at her combat stats.


End file.
